Today, I’m just going to talk about life. Nothing particularly amazing, nothing especially exciting. Just life. And to be completely honest, life hasn’t exactly been at its greatest lately. I’ve definitely had better days, but I mean, life is life. What are you going to do about it?
The first thing I noticed this morning was that I actually felt a little better when I woke up. I think it might have something to do with daylight saving time ending. Apparently, we gained an extra hour, which sounds fantastic. An entire extra hour of sleep! Except when I started thinking about it, I got completely confused. I usually wake up around seven to get to school before eight, but now seven feels like eight, or maybe eight feels like seven. Wait, am I getting this backward? Probably. Honestly, I don’t even know whether I’ve gained an hour of sleep or somehow lost one. All I know is that the clocks changed, and I’m still expected to wake up and go to school.
Other than that, my day was pretty boring. Nothing particularly interesting happened. No amazing discoveries, no dramatic events, nothing worth making an entire podcast about. Except there was one thing that caught my attention, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the rest of my day. Ancient Rome. Well, technically, I started thinking about Greek mythology and ancient history, but somehow my brain ended up on Roman legionnaires. You know, those soldiers wearing armor, carrying giant shields, and marching around looking like they could destroy absolutely anything in their path? Yeah, those guys.
Now, you might think I’m going crazy for getting excited about a bunch of ancient soldiers, but hear me out. Roman legionnaires are seriously cool. And I don’t mean just a little cool. I mean ridiculously cool. Have you ever watched one of those movies where Roman soldiers march into battle in perfect formation? They’re carrying shields, holding spears, and moving together like one enormous armored machine. The whole thing looks incredibly powerful. I know they’re just people underneath all that armor, but when you see hundreds of them moving together, it’s hard not to be impressed.
And the shields! Seriously, the shields might be my favorite part. It’s not even the shields themselves. It’s what the soldiers do with them. They line up, move together, and create these strange geometric shapes that somehow turn a bunch of individual people into something that looks like a giant moving fortress. One minute they’re standing in lines, and the next minute they’ve created an enormous armored block. There’s even a formation called the testudo, or tortoise formation, where soldiers hold their shields in front, along the sides, and above their heads to protect themselves from attacks. Imagine an entire group of people suddenly transforming into a walking turtle made of shields. Tell me that isn’t cool. If I saw something like that marching toward me, I would probably reconsider every decision that had brought me to that exact moment.
But then I started thinking about something else. Something much more important. What happens when one of those soldiers needs to use the bathroom? Seriously, think about it. Imagine you’re standing in the middle of a battlefield with hundreds of other soldiers. Everyone is holding a shield, everyone is supposed to stay in formation, and the enemy is charging toward you. Your commander is shouting orders, people are screaming, and you’re trying not to get stabbed. And suddenly, your stomach has a different plan. What are you supposed to do? Raise your hand and say, “Excuse me, Caesar, can I please go to the bathroom?” I don’t think that’s going to work.
Imagine your commander looking at you and saying, “Absolutely not. We’re currently being attacked by enemy cavalry.” And you’re just standing there thinking, “Okay, but this is becoming a serious emergency.” That’s when I realized something. Roman military formations might look extremely cool from the outside, but actually being inside one might be one of the most uncomfortable experiences imaginable. You’re wearing heavy armor. You’re holding a shield. You’re surrounded by sweaty soldiers. It’s hot, you’re tired, and you can’t just walk away whenever you feel like it. And the worst part? Everyone depends on everyone else. If you’re standing in an important position and suddenly decide to leave, you might create a gap in the formation. That gap could put the other soldiers in danger. So now your personal bathroom emergency has somehow become a military problem. Congratulations. Your bladder is now a national security threat.
And that’s not even the only problem. What about food? Imagine spending hours marching, fighting, carrying equipment, and trying not to die. Eventually, you’re going to get hungry. That’s just how human bodies work. You can’t survive forever on courage, discipline, and a really impressive shield. But it’s not like you can suddenly say, “Hey, guys, I’m going to McDonald’s. Anybody want something?” First of all, there was no McDonald’s, which, personally, I think is already a pretty serious disadvantage of living in ancient Rome. Second, even if you had food available, you couldn’t necessarily stop in the middle of a battle to eat it. You would have to wait until it was safe, or until your commanders allowed a break.
So imagine you’re exhausted, covered in sweat, carrying heavy equipment, and thinking about food. You wait. And wait. And wait. And then you wait some more. Eventually, maybe you get something to eat. But after seeing people fighting, getting injured, and possibly dying right in front of you, would you even feel hungry anymore? I honestly don’t know. And then there’s the whole problem of actually surviving the battle. Because when you watch Roman soldiers in movies, they look almost unstoppable. Their shields are perfectly lined up, their weapons are ready, and the entire army looks like one gigantic machine. But if you’re one of the soldiers inside that machine, the situation is completely different.
Imagine you’re holding your shield while enemy cavalry charges toward you. You’re gripping your spear and thinking, “Please don’t drop it. Please don’t drop it. PLEASE don’t drop it.” Because if you drop your weapon at the wrong moment, things could go very badly. Suddenly, that amazing formation doesn’t seem quite as amazing anymore. From the outside, it looks like a powerful military masterpiece. From the inside, it might feel like being trapped in a giant sweaty box while people try to kill you. Not exactly my idea of a relaxing afternoon.
And here’s another thing that bothers me about ancient armies: you couldn’t just quit whenever you wanted. Imagine you’ve been marching for days, you’re exhausted, your feet hurt, and you’ve had enough. You decide, “You know what? I think I’m done. I’m going home.” Well, good luck with that. Military service came with strict rules and obligations. You couldn’t simply walk away because you were tired or because you suddenly remembered that being alive was actually pretty enjoyable. Your commanders controlled where you went, what you did, when you marched, and when you fought. They basically controlled your entire schedule. Where you slept. When you ate. Where you marched. What you carried. And probably a lot of decisions you would rather make yourself.
Imagine having to ask permission for practically everything. “Can I go home?” “No.” “Can I take a break?” “No.” “Can I get something to eat?” “Not now.” “Can I at least go to the bathroom?” “We’re fighting a war.” Fantastic. At this point, I’m starting to think that being a Roman soldier was basically the world’s most dangerous school field trip, except the field trip lasted for years and nobody was allowed to call their parents to pick them up.
And that’s when my thoughts started getting a little more serious. Because war isn’t actually a game. I know that sounds obvious, but think about how wars are usually shown in movies and video games. You see armies charging, shields crashing, soldiers fighting, and everything looks dramatic and exciting. Sometimes it even looks fun. But that’s because you’re watching it. You’re not actually standing there. In a video game, if your character dies, you can usually restart. Maybe you lose some progress, maybe you get annoyed, but eventually you try again. In real life, there is no restart button.
If someone gets seriously injured, that’s real. If someone dies, they’re not coming back for the next round. And if your army loses a battle, the consequences can be terrible. People can be killed, captured, injured, or forced to live through things nobody would ever choose for themselves. That’s something I think people sometimes forget when they talk about how amazing ancient wars were. They look cool because we’re watching them from a safe distance. But the people who actually lived through them probably weren’t thinking, “Wow, this is such an awesome historical moment.” They were probably thinking, “I really hope I survive today.” And to be completely honest, I would be thinking exactly the same thing.
I don’t want to die young. I don’t want to spend my life fighting battles I might not even want to fight. I don’t want to be trapped somewhere, unable to leave, just because someone more powerful than me decided that’s where I belong. I actually like being alive. I like having choices. I like being able to go home, eat something, relax, talk to people, and do whatever random thing interests me that day. Even if that random thing is spending an entire afternoon thinking about Roman shields.
And that’s probably the strangest part of today’s podcast. I started by thinking Roman legionnaires were some of the coolest soldiers in history. Their armor looked amazing, their formations were fascinating, and the way they worked together was genuinely impressive. And I still think all of that is true. But now I also think being one of them would have been absolutely miserable. You can admire how something works without actually wanting to experience it yourself.
So whenever someone says, “I wish I had been born thousands of years ago! Life must have been so much more exciting!” my answer is simple. No, thank you. I appreciate modern plumbing. I appreciate being able to eat when I’m hungry. I appreciate not having to hold a giant shield while cavalry charges at me. And most importantly, I appreciate being able to go to the bathroom without asking a Roman commander for permission.
Ancient Rome was fascinating. Roman legionnaires were impressive. Their shield formations were unbelievably cool. But if I had to choose between being a legendary Roman soldier and being a regular kid living in the modern world, I’ll take the modern world. At least here, when I need to pee, I don’t have to worry about destroying an entire military formation. And that, in my opinion, is one of civilization’s greatest achievements.
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