Today, I’m going to talk about something very important happening at my school: Halloween. More specifically, I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to wear. If you ask me, the only reason I still bother going out on Halloween instead of staying home and sleeping is candy. Lots of candy. But collecting candy isn’t nearly as simple as you might think. At least, not the way we do it.
Last year, our trick-or-treating operation was a little more complicated than usual. Normally, you just walk down the street, knock on doors, collect candy, and move on, right? Well, not us. A bunch of guys got together and developed an actual plan. We had to figure out when everyone’s moms would finish work, where they could pick us up, which neighborhoods we should visit, and exactly how much time we could spend on each street. Everything had to be calculated. Our mission was simple: collect as much candy as humanly possible.
We gave ourselves a maximum of twenty seconds at each house. Twenty seconds! Because if we spent too long at one house, we might miss our next ride, and that could mess up the entire system. We moved from street to street, allowing ourselves about ninety seconds for each transition, sometimes two minutes if the distance was longer. Once we finished a neighborhood, someone’s mom would arrive, we’d jump into the car, and she’d drive us to another neighborhood. Sometimes we’d just get dropped off somewhere along the road. Then we’d start all over again. Street after street, house after house, car after car. Boom! Maximum efficiency.
And the results? Pretty impressive. I don’t usually measure candy in pounds, so let me explain it another way. Imagine one of those giant Walmart shopping bags. Now imagine two of them completely full of candy. Then double that. Four enormous bags of candy! That’s basically how much we collected. I mean, we were practically bandits. But before you start judging us, you have to understand how much work went into this operation. Months of planning! Research, route calculations, checking schedules, arranging transportation, and actually carrying out the mission. People might look at us and think we’re just a bunch of greedy kids robbing the neighborhood of its candy. But they don’t understand the dedication. This wasn’t random trick-or-treating. This was a highly organized candy-collecting operation.
Unfortunately, not everyone appreciated our professionalism. Last year, my entire Halloween costume consisted of a cheap nineteen-dollar mask. That’s it. I didn’t dress up as the Grim Reaper or anything particularly impressive. I was just a guy wearing a mask. To be fair, about ninety percent of the guys who showed up barely had costumes either. But apparently, my mask made me look suspicious. People would ask, “Are you supposed to be a robber?” And I’d have to explain that, technically, I was a candy robber, but not an actual robber. There’s a difference. At one point, some Karen even started yelling, “Take off that mask, you punk!” And I was standing there thinking, That’s literally my entire costume. What was I supposed to do? Take it off and become some random guy standing on someone’s porch asking for free candy?
Anyway, Halloween is coming again, and now I have an even bigger problem. My school is having a Halloween celebration, and we’re supposed to wear costumes. I have absolutely no idea what to choose. I don’t want to show up looking ridiculous and then spend the entire school day trapped in some uncomfortable outfit. Imagine walking into school dressed as a giant Viking. You can’t blend in, you can’t escape, and for the rest of the day, you’re just that Viking guy. No, thank you. I want something comfortable, but also cool. Something that actually looks good without making me feel stupid.
At this point, I might end up wearing the same nineteen-dollar mask for the second year in a row. Except the lights on it are already broken, which makes the whole situation even worse. And I’m starting to think my costume might actually affect my candy intake. After all, looking like a suspicious guy in a broken mask probably isn’t the best strategy for convincing strangers to give you free candy. So if anyone has a good costume idea, please tell me. Seriously. I’m desperate.
Hopefully, this year’s candy operation will be just as successful as last year’s. Although there’s one small problem: I still don’t know who I’m going trick-or-treating with. Which is kind of important when your entire system depends on having a team. So here I am, less than two weeks away from Halloween, with no costume, no confirmed teammates, and absolutely no plan. Last year, we spent months organizing the perfect candy heist. This year, I can’t even figure out what to put on my head.
The candy is waiting. The clock is ticking. And the operation hasn’t even started.
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