Today, I’m going to talk about one particular event I witnessed, and it was a weird one. You know pigeons? Well, I don’t like pigeons. I don’t exactly know why. They’re just… pigeons. I’m not trying to offend them or anything, but I simply don’t like them. You can judge me all you want. I just don’t. They always seem to be everywhere, and somehow, they always manage to show up where you least expect them.
For example, inside the Boston Public Library. Yes, you heard that correctly. Inside the building. I went to the library, and guess what I found? Pigeons. Actual pigeons living inside the library. The first pigeon I saw looked absolutely terrified. It was jumping around, flapping its wings, and crashing into the walls like it had completely lost its mind. I thought it was having some kind of emergency. But then, something interesting happened. Within about five minutes, the pigeon seemed to realize that this place wasn’t so bad after all.
In fact, it started enjoying itself. Near the snack bar, where people could buy food, the pigeons were practically attacking the place. They were harassing the snack bar, trying to steal food, and acting like they owned the building. And when they couldn’t get anything from the snack bar, they simply moved on to the trash cans. Apparently, the trash cans contained everything a pigeon could possibly need in life. I genuinely don’t understand how pigeons manage to stay healthy. What exactly is their diet? Leftover hot dogs? Chips? Tortillas? Whatever mysterious substances people throw away? I can’t even begin to imagine.
Then I discovered something even stranger. Apparently, some pigeons had been living inside the Boston Public Library for weeks, and some seemed to have practically moved in permanently. They even had their own little groups. At this point, I think we might be witnessing the evolution of an entirely new species: library pigeons. Or maybe I’ll call them Cube Pigeons. They’re basically ordinary pigeons, except smarter. Much smarter. After all, they’re living in a library. What else are they supposed to do all day besides read books?
Just imagine a group of pigeons sitting around studying advanced mathematics while eating leftover tortillas and drinking Coca-Cola. Actually, never mind. If they’re drinking that much Coca-Cola, they’re probably going to develop some serious health problems. Diabetes might become a major issue in pigeon society. But that’s beside the point. The important thing is that these pigeons have discovered something extraordinary: a free hotel with heating, unlimited food, and absolutely no rent.
Think about it. If you asked one of these pigeons, “Would you like to be set free and return to the outdoors?” I think you’d receive a very firm NO. Why would they leave? Outside, there’s freezing weather, wind, snow, and all the unpleasant responsibilities of being a bird. Inside, there’s warmth, food, shelter, and thousands of books. If I were a pigeon, I wouldn’t exactly be rushing to leave either. Why spend winter freezing outside when you can live in a perfectly heated library? Apart from the possibility of catching the flu, it sounds like a pretty good arrangement.
Of course, there’s one small problem. Pigeons aren’t exactly famous for being clean. I don’t think most people have noticed the mess they’re probably making. If the librarians discovered everything, they might call animal control and have the pigeons removed. But apparently, at least for now, the pigeons are being allowed to stay. And that, ladies and gentlemen, might turn out to be one of humanity’s greatest mistakes.
Because I have a theory. One day, pigeons might rule the world. Just look around. They’re already everywhere. Every city, every park, every sidewalk, every building. They’re practically preparing for world domination right in front of us. And if humans ever go extinct which, considering the current state of the world, doesn’t seem completely impossible. I strongly suspect pigeons will be the ones taking over. Especially the library pigeons. Those are the dangerous ones.
You see, ordinary pigeons spend their days looking for food. But library pigeons? They’re getting an education. They’re reading complicated books from an early age. Imagine a one-year-old pigeon studying advanced Harvard research papers. That’s got to be one seriously intelligent bird. And because the pigeons apparently can’t figure out how to open doors, they might be trapped in particular sections of the library, surrounded by difficult books. So they have no choice but to become geniuses.
They could be studying geometry, geology, and whatever other subjects humans struggle to understand. Maybe they’re reading The Lord of the Rings. Or Under the Same Stars. Speaking of books, I recently discovered that there are books called Under the Stars and Under the Same Stars. I originally thought one was the sequel to the other, but apparently not. They’re completely different books. I don’t really understand why people keep giving books such similar titles, but that’s another problem for another day.
Anyway, back to the pigeons. Imagine what happens after several generations of pigeons grow up inside a library. Their parents learn to steal food from the snack bar. Their children learn to read. Their grandchildren start studying mathematics and science. And eventually, some extremely intelligent pigeon figures out how to open the doors. At that point, humanity is finished. The pigeons will leave the library, spread their knowledge across the world, and establish the greatest pigeon civilization in history.
And when future historians ask how the pigeons became so intelligent, the answer will be simple: we let them live inside the Boston Public Library.
So remember this warning. One day, when pigeons are running the planet and humans are nowhere to be found, don’t say I didn’t tell you.
It all started with a pigeon, a snack bar, and a library.
Trust me.
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